Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'm Just Healing Out. He's Now Improving. She's Always There.

For the past 17 years of my life, he used to teach me how to face the world -- to be strudy and unmoved through the test of times. But then, I learned to be resilient enough to take a bow with great respect. He advanced me and continually advancing me to what the world is all about. By then, I just do not have the idea of his words, all I knew is the worth of pain inside of me as I entrench myself to what he wanted me to become. I guess all of us children of the past were once trapped to that same climate of grievance I felt before.

I don't want the respect to vanish, well I don't presume it to be -- for if so, that would be my ultimate fear; learning to revenge and submit myself to vengeance.

But then, I'm still blessed for in most cases, she compensates the emotion I'm actually feeling inside. And that she balances the unrevealed feelings I have been hiding for a long time. My mother will forever be here. I was silent and kept all things secret. The world was then between me and myself.

Since I was preconditioned according to his rules, I can say that I mature almost twice a normal kid. I had the pleasure of engaging myself to books, to medals, to awards, to prestige, to fame and as if these things only appetite my world. Emptiness. Until, I realized it's tiring. May be I was wrong uttering the terms to my friends (abused and all), but it's just how I felt. I embraced the environment they oriented me -- Serious but unique -- the peculiar image of that probably will remain forever. Or others may say it's weird.

His rules cannot be compared. It's totally different to all the attitudes I have seen for the past 11 years of maturity. Over and over, I didn't feel my childhood.

For the next eighty days, he will more or less be with her. Lucky and blessed enough, I'm healing out with my friends and he is now improving.

In that home, all I can hear is a masterpiece of guilt, sadness, hatred, frustrations, a piece of happiness but with a glaring hope...

Whatever happens, he is still my father and I will always love him forever.

2 comments:

Ienne said...

"I'm Just Healing Out. He's Now Improving. She's Always There."

- He's also always there for you, I think :)

theporsche02 said...

you're right!